Valentine's Day 3: Day Harder

When I was a boy, Valentine's Day was a day for friendship as much as for love. We'd tape brown paper bags to our desks, and walk around giving Ninja Turtle themed cards to anyone we could stand. I'd always open the package of cards, pick out the second best card for my best friend, keep the best one for myself, and divvy up the rest amongst my classmates, less as an exercise in appreciation for the people I gave them to than an exercise in spite for the people who weren't even worthy of false sentiment.

But oh, how times have changed. As adults, Valentine's Day is exclusively for the purpose of showering appreciation on people who have low enough standards to take their clothes off for us in hopes that they will continue to do so. If you're in a relationship, it's a day of love, sex, and rapidly depleting cash reserves. For me, it's usually a day of twiddling my thumbs while I have no one to talk to because no one else in the world seems to be single. But this year, I don't want to be left out of the festivities, so I've been trying to come up with a series of activities for one that will be both productive and romantic so that I may make the best use of my alone time without feeling like I'm the only person in the world who isn't in love.

Thankfully, another flash of inspiration struck when I woke up this morning. I live in New York City, where the opportunities for romantic activities are endless. But one of the time honored traditions for young couples in this city is the good old fashioned horse drawn carriage ride through Central Park. So, as a token of appreciation for myself, I'm going to get gussied up, head on over to Central Park, rent all the horse drawn carriages in the city, and pay them to run over anyone they see holding hands.

And then, if I'm in an especially jaunty mood, I might steal their chocolates.

-TC

Valentine's Day 2: Electric Boogaloo

Since I am lucky enough to be single this Valentine's Day, I've been planning for how I will spend my day. Pretty much no one I know is single, so I won't have to worry about regular social obligations. And as I am blissfully unattached, I won't have to worry about some chocolate and rose crazed harlot trying to have her lustful way with me again and again all night long until the sheer repetition of it causes me to pine for the fresh originality of the tenth season of M*A*S*H. Instead, I'm trying to come up with romantic yet productive activities for one to keep me busy while the rest of the world is engrossed in gazing lovingly into each others eyes. Thankfully, another flash of inspiration struck today. While all my friends and neighbors are out enjoying fancy dinners, carriage rides, or whatever it is that people in love are supposed to do to avoid conversation, I'll put on my fanciest suit, light a few candles, then break into their homes and steal their stereos. The proceeds should be more than enough to buy a Valentine's Day hooker.

What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic.

-TC

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is this weekend, and like most single people, I'm trying to come up with plans for how to make the most productive use of my time while everyone else is stuck sitting through tediously romantic dinners, exhausting romantic walks, and unnecessarily passionate love making. As I'm not unfortunate enough to have my life fettered with such humdrum obligations, I'm going to have the quintessential single man's Valentine's Day. I'll be going out in search of the most romantic restaurant filled with the most happy young couples, and I will be setting it on fire. It's a sparse itinerary, but I think it will be a rewarding one all the same.

-TC

Maple Candy

My first job out of college was in a maple candy factory, perhaps the most successful application of a liberal arts degree to date. Now, as a good Vermonter, I am a huge proponent of all things maple. Maple syrup, maple candy, gay marriage licenses notarized with a maple stamp, you name it. I lived and died by the code of maple. That is, until I got the factory job and ate maple candy non-stop for the better part of a year. My shameless gluttony coupled with coming home every day in maple soaked pants (not to mention working with a drug dealer who regularly threatened to stab me) was enough to make the very thought of maple candy absolutely revolting to me.

When I went home for Christmas, I bought a maple leaf from my old factor as a little present for someone, but it never got delivered. So I've been looking at this maple leaf on my dresser for a few weeks and wondering, is four years enough time that I can finally put the past behind me and stomach the idea of maple candy again? Well, today my sweet tooth got the better of me and I decided to give it a shot. The verdict? The sickening sweetness of the candy was only offset by the bitter memory of folding thousands of these boxes as I opened it.

Maybe in another four years...

-TC

State of the Union

I was a bit disappointed with yesterday's State of the Union Address. I mean, really, it's just a giant iPod touch. What were you thinking, Obama?

-TC

Avatar

I finally broke down and saw Avatar last night. I'll only say two things about this movie. First...unobtainium? Really? This must have been a total Poochie moment in the writers room, if ever I saw one.

Second, at exactly what point in the course of human evolution do we start feeling the need to equip our giant, walking battle robots with hunting knives? "Sure they have machine guns and missiles, but you gotta give 'em a blade, 'casue you never know when they'll find themselves in the midst of a robot whittling contest."
-TC

An Important Lesson

My dad's toilet hasn't worked properly for a couple years now. He has neither the money nor the skill to have it fixed, so he's just sort of let it be, filling up the tank by hand with jugs of water whenever he needs to use it. So I decided that as part of his Christmas present this year, I would buy whatever parts need to be replaced and fix it for him. I like to think I learned a valuable life lesson from this experience. If someone says "I'd like you to fix my toilet, please," you say no. And if they say, "I'd really just as soon you didn't fix my toilet," you don't insist.

On the upside, after a good seven hours of effort, it does in fact work.

-TC